What I learned about fear from being shoved on stage with The Samples rock band
So there I was standing backstage, waiting in the wings for my chance to sit in as a guest saxophonist with one of my favorite bands in the 1990’s - The Samples.
The day before, after a strange series of events I’ll maybe share another day, they had invited me to perform with them on one of my favorite songs, “Giants,” previously recorded with the legendary sax player, Brandford Marsalis. The iconic Fox Theater in Boulder, Colorado that night was packed with hundreds of screaming fans.
It was the second set after intermission, and the lead singer, Sean Kelly, had just stepped up to the microphone with his acoustic guitar to do an intimate, stripped down solo acoustic version of the song “Nature,” one of their greatest hits. I was so happy to be there and was enjoying the view from behind the curtain, when suddenly the other band members shoved me on stage! I looked back at them, shocked, and they laughed and waved me forward, encouragingly.
There was nowhere to hide. I may as well have been naked, too. So the only thing that made sense in that moment was to walk straight up to the microphone next to Sean on stage and start playing. Sean didn’t skip a beat, and just went with the spontaneity of the moment as I settled in next to him at the single microphone. He accepted me into this intimate feeling he was creating with the audience as I improvised along on my soprano sax.
Talk about pressure. Talk about being exposed. Wow. And it was live on the major local radio station, too. This could have gone badly with all of that pressure. I could have choked.
But the audience went nuts. They could tell it wasn’t planned. It was raw, intimate, human - and they loved it. That energy was inspiring. As a result, I took risks and I played my heart out. I had never rehearsed this song before. I was essentially improvising with no backup band to hide behind - no music to read - I didn’t even know the key. I had to find my way through it in the moment. I knew the song by heart, having sung it at the top of my lungs on many a weekend ski trip with my friends in high school. But now, I was learning how to play along with it for the first time - in front of a lot of people.
There was no option - I just had to commit, relax, not pay attention to my insecure thinking as best I could, and really listen. I remember the intense feelings, but as I got into it and committed, the thinking melted into the background and there was just awareness.
I played some “wrong notes,” but it didn’t matter as the right notes are always a half step away. No one noticed or cared. The spirit of that moment was so high, and where Sean and I were coming from was all that was needed. I found my center and that feeling of connection with Sean, the music, and the audience in the middle of one of the most intense moments of pressure I had experienced up till that point in my life - except maybe for the time I got chased by a gang in Brazil. But that story is for another day.
This story came to mind as I was reflecting on the nature of stress and pressure. I have been learning that there is another option to dealing with fear instead of avoiding it. I have a lot to share about this topic as it’s maybe the key thread leading to a completely different option for how we experience life.
A lot of us who make it to our 40’s forget that we don’t need to be ruled by fear. We take the bait and think that our identity is at risk from a bad feeling, and then get sucked down a chasm which makes the feelings worse. If you are willing to invite in the bad feeling with some curiosity, instead of turning away, distracting, avoiding, or numbing - on the other side is a fascinating shift that brings you back to the awareness where the feeling happens in the first place.
My lucky experience of playing on stage that night in 1996 was a wonderful touchstone for seeing how we can find our awareness in any situation - no matter how intense it seems. I didn’t fully understand that at the time, but observing this phenomenon and getting accustomed to the full range of emotional feeling without resisting it has revealed a whole other level of possibility - even in the midst of less fun circumstances than playing on stage - like full on panic attacks.
What is your relationship like with fear? Have you ever stopped to check it out instead of avoiding it?
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